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Fun & Games > Lutheran Jokes
Lutheran Jokes
Find time to laugh during the day to instantly relax and make yourself feel good. It will reduce your stress and help connect you to others. Check out our very own collection of Lutheran jokes submitted by our users. Have a good, clean Lutheran joke to share? We'd love to hear it.
 Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck."
–Marilynn
Tacoma, Washington
A Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child bluted out, "Aces!"
–Ken
DeWitt, Nebraska
The sermon I think this mom will never forget ... this particular Sunday sermon ... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
–Tim
Waverly, Iowa
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either sided of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. The little boy asked, "Pastor what is this?" The Pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
–Ken
DeWitt, Nebraska
A little congregation decided the church needed a new coat of white paint. So they all pooled their money and went down to the local hardware store and bought all of the cheapest white paint the store had. Well, they had the job half finished and were down to the last two cans of paint. What should they do now? They all discussed it and came to the conclusion that they would thin the paint down to make it stretch. They finished and stood back and looked at their beautiful newly painted white church. Well, it rained during the night and the next day when they came to look at the church they saw that all of the paint had washed off. "WELL, NOW WHAT DO WE DO?" they all said. The pastor looked at them and said, "Repaint! Repaint! And NEVER thin again."
–J.K.
Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
It was show-and-tell in class, and the theme was "My Religion." Three students stood up at the front of the class. The first said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my prayer hat." The second student said, "I'm Catholic, and this is my rosary." The third student said, "I'm Lutheran, and this is my casserole."
–Lena
Merrimack, New Hampshire
Q: How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but if it's in the front row, it will never get fixed!
–Ross
Appleton, Wisconsin
Our son was restless one Sunday and eager to leave church. He asked me if we could go. I told him, "No, we are still worshiping Jesus. And Pastor's turn to talk isn't over yet." Kurt repiled, "Pastor has a really long turn!"
–Barb
Perry, Oklahoma
An airplane crashes on a deserted island all survive. They all become scared that nobody will find them and they will die. One man says, "Do not worry I make $250,000 a week." The other two say, "We are the only ones here, there is no food, and we will all die." The first repeats, "I make $250,000 a week we will be okay." The others spout back, "All your money will not help us survive and we will all die a slow death." The first man says, "I make $250,000 a week and I tithe, my Lutheran Pastor will find us!"
–Dan
The pastor was new in town, and he was trying to figure out how to increase attendance at his new church. And not just on Sundays. He had considered everything, from advertizing to jazzing up the music. He couldn't understand why the building next to the church usually had several cars in their parking lot, and, outside of Sunday morning, the church's lot was usually pretty vacant. Yet as a pastor he was particularly skilled in counselling. Surely he could draw more people to Word of Life Lutheran Church. The law offices next door had a new sign in front: formal black background, stylish border, and an attractive font, which read: "LAW OFFICE." In a flash, the young pastor made a beeline to the nearest lumber company, and in no time his new sign was designed, constructed, and finished. On the property, not far from the Law Office, Pastor could be seen erecting a new sign (in addition to the formal one on the corner.) The new one read: "GOSPEL OFFICE."
–Rik
Rockford, Illinois
It has been said that the only thing that ever changes in the Lutheran Church is the color of the Jell-O® served at the monthly potluck dinners.
–Duane
Terril, Iowa
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
–Gwen
Longview, Texas
Do you know the definition of the word "Bible"? Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
–Gwen
Longview, Texas
At the local Lutheran Church the Pastor found out that the Organist for Sunday was ill and he was nervous because this was his Stewardship Sunday and he had special hymns selected. A young girl was filing in at the last minute and he told her he was apprehensive as she did not have much experience, and the church was behind on their bills. "I need music that will inspire people to be very generous he stated". "No problem she said." At the end of the sermon the Pastor asked everyone to stand that would be willing to commit themselves to giving an extra $100.00 a month. Suddenly, the entire congregation stood as the young organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
–Linda
Livingston, Illinois
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that this card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10". Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
–Amie
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
There is a story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
–Dorothy
Sebring, Florida
After church Ole said to the pastor, "Nice sermon there pastor, but I noticed you mentioned St. Paul several times but you never mentioned Minneapolis."
–Dan
Lakeside, Montana
Our congregation has become part of the "Reformed Lutheran church"! Mostly decaf coffee is now served at church functions!
–Lanny
Ashtabula, Ohio
How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Change? What's change!
–Connie
Los Alamitos, California
What is the difference between an extroverted and introverted Lutheran? Answer: An introverted Lutheran looks at HIS shoes when he talks to you. An extroverted one looks at YOUR shoes.
–Jason
Appleton, Wisconsin
A man asked God if he answered all prayers. God said, "Yes". The man asked God, "Is it true that one second in heaven is equal to a million years on earth?" God said, "Yes". then the man asked God for $1 million dollars. God said, "Ok, just give me a minute"!
–Norman
Springfield, Virginia
You Know You're Lutheran When...
You know you're Lutheran when...
10. The only meal time prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus".
9. All of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom.
8. They have to rope off the last few pews in church so the front isn't empty.
7. A midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
6. You can't imagine a celebration without food.
5. While wathing Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you reply "And also with you".
4. At potlucks all the men have tableware and napkins in their shirt pockets so their full plates are easier to carry.
3. You are at a funeral of a family member who is Catholic, and you are the only one who says "for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen." after everyone else is done.
2. You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
1. You arrive in church and start having a panic attack because someone else is sitting in your pew.
Complete List of Jokes (Excel, 90K)
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