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Lutheran Jokes

Find time to laugh during the day to instantly relax and make yourself feel good. It will reduce your stress and help connect you to others. Check out our very own collection of Lutheran jokes submitted by our users.

A VBS teacher was talking about God and Jesus to her pre-school class. An unchurched neighbor of mine, age 4, was listening with furrowed brow, since much of what she said was new to him. But when she asked the kids if they knew who angels were, his eyes lit up with recognition, his whole body filled with excitement, and he shouted out, "Yes! They're a baseball team!" It took the teacher quite a while to compose herself...
Huntington, West Virginia

A pastor started his Easter Sunday sermon with "I would like to have a word with the youngsters we have in the congregation today. Do any of you know what the Resurrection means?" A very precocious, and outspoken, little 7 year old boy raised his hand, stood up and said, "I sure do. If you have one longer than four hours, you have to call the doctor!" It took the congregation and the pastor a good 10 minutes... to compose themselves from their laughter.
Tempe, Arizona

A young lady was asked out for her first date and she went to talk to her pastor about it. He told he her she would probably be going to dinner and a movie. At the movie she could expect the young man to hold her hand which was ok with her pastor. Then he may put his arm around her shoulders, which was also ok with her pastor. But it he put his head on her shoulder, that was not ok with her pastor. After the date she again went to talk to her pastor. She told him that they went to dinner and a movie, and that her date first held her hand and then put his arm around her shoulders. The pastor inquired as to what happened nest. "I put my head on his shoulder and let his pastor worry about it!" was her reply.
Stevens Point, Wisconsin

A Lutheran Minister was new to his rural congregation, but he had gotten word that a man was interested in joining his church. He went to the front door, and rapped several times, but got no answer. Reasonably sure the man was home he walked around to the back door, and to his surprise, the back yard was built up like an English garden with serpentine walks, a fish pond, fountains vines, the whole nine yards. He walked up to the back door, and still got no answer. Finally, he took out one of his calling cards and wrote on the back, "Rev 3:30" [Behold I stand at the door and knock...] The following Sunday, as the parishioners were leaving the church, someone slipped him their card with "Gen 3:20" written on the back. When he was finally able to get to a Bible, he discovered his response: "I heard you in the garden, but I knew I was naked, so I hid!"
North Canton, Ohio

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievious. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 years old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
DeWitt, Nebraska

My daughter came home from our Lutheran school one day when in the first grade and I asked what she had learned. She said about the three wiseman, so I asked her what gifts they had brought and she said, "Gold, 'Frankenstein' and myrrh." True story!
Sebring, Florida

On my first day of Confirmation, Pastor asked if anyone knew who Martin Luther was. As per usual, my hand shot up first, and before I knew it I was spurting out, "A Civil Rights leader." My pastor (and class) laughed hysterically.
Bakersfield, California

The pastor was just about ready to start the service and the opening hymn was already playing when a stranger enters the church, marches straight down the main aisle and seats himself in the very first pew. "Wow," thinks the pastor, "I wish all my parishioners were this enthusiastic!" and he goes on with the service. At the end of the service, the pastor adjourns to the narathex to greet the parishioners as they exit. Since the stranger came so late and sat at the very front, he was one of the last to greet the pastor this morning. "Welcome, it is good to have you with us this morning," says the pastor. "Are you new to this area and looking for a church home?" "No, not really," says the stranger. "Well, then what brings you to our church?" replies the pastor. "This is a professional visit," replies the stranger. "You see, I am a bus driver, and I am here this morning to see just how you guys do it to get people to sit in the back."

A blonde goes to the post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptist."

A minister was walking along the corridor near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a pastor and this is the uniform ministers wear. Then the boy pointed to the pastor's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The pastor was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the minister took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the pastor asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read yet. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months."
Pr. Em. James
Eagle Point, Oregon

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck."
Tacoma, Washington

A Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child bluted out, "Aces!"
DeWitt, Nebraska

The sermon I think this mom will never forget ... this particular Sunday sermon ... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Waverly, Iowa

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either sided of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. The little boy asked, "Pastor what is this?" The Pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
DeWitt, Nebraska

A little congregation decided the church needed a new coat of white paint. So they all pooled their money and went down to the local hardware store and bought all of the cheapest white paint the store had. Well, they had the job half finished and were down to the last two cans of paint. What should they do now? They all discussed it and came to the conclusion that they would thin the paint down to make it stretch. They finished and stood back and looked at their beautiful newly painted white church. Well, it rained during the night and the next day when they came to look at the church they saw that all of the paint had washed off. "WELL, NOW WHAT DO WE DO?" they all said. The pastor looked at them and said, "Repaint! Repaint! And NEVER thin again."
Sun Prairie, Wisconsin

It was show-and-tell in class, and the theme was "My Religion." Three students stood up at the front of the class. The first said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my prayer hat." The second student said, "I'm Catholic, and this is my rosary." The third student said, "I'm Lutheran, and this is my casserole."
Merrimack, New Hampshire

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but if it's in the front row, it will never get fixed!
Appleton, Wisconsin

Our son was restless one Sunday and eager to leave church. He asked me if we could go. I told him, "No, we are still worshiping Jesus. And Pastor's turn to talk isn't over yet." Kurt repiled, "Pastor has a really long turn!"
Perry, Oklahoma

An airplane crashes on a deserted island all survive. They all become scared that nobody will find them and they will die. One man says, "Do not worry I make $250,000 a week." The other two say, "We are the only ones here, there is no food, and we will all die." The first repeats, "I make $250,000 a week we will be okay." The others spout back, "All your money will not help us survive and we will all die a slow death." The first man says, "I make $250,000 a week and I tithe, my Lutheran Pastor will find us!"

The pastor was new in town, and he was trying to figure out how to increase attendance at his new church. And not just on Sundays. He had considered everything, from advertizing to jazzing up the music. He couldn't understand why the building next to the church usually had several cars in their parking lot, and, outside of Sunday morning, the church's lot was usually pretty vacant. Yet as a pastor he was particularly skilled in counselling. Surely he could draw more people to Word of Life Lutheran Church. The law offices next door had a new sign in front: formal black background, stylish border, and an attractive font, which read: "LAW OFFICE." In a flash, the young pastor made a beeline to the nearest lumber company, and in no time his new sign was designed, constructed, and finished. On the property, not far from the Law Office, Pastor could be seen erecting a new sign (in addition to the formal one on the corner.) The new one read: "GOSPEL OFFICE."
Rockford, Illinois

It has been said that the only thing that ever changes in the Lutheran Church is the color of the Jell-O® served at the monthly potluck dinners.
Terril, Iowa

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Longview, Texas

Do you know the definition of the word "Bible"? Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
Longview, Texas

At the local Lutheran Church the Pastor found out that the Organist for Sunday was ill and he was nervous because this was his Stewardship Sunday and he had special hymns selected. A young girl was filing in at the last minute and he told her he was apprehensive as she did not have much experience, and the church was behind on their bills. "I need music that will inspire people to be very generous he stated". "No problem she said." At the end of the sermon the Pastor asked everyone to stand that would be willing to commit themselves to giving an extra $100.00 a month. Suddenly, the entire congregation stood as the young organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
Livingston, Illinois

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that this card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10". Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

There is a story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Sebring, Florida

After church Ole said to the pastor, "Nice sermon there pastor, but I noticed you mentioned St. Paul several times but you never mentioned Minneapolis."
Lakeside, Montana

Our congregation has become part of the "Reformed Lutheran church"! Mostly decaf coffee is now served at church functions!
Ashtabula, Ohio

How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Change? What's change!
Los Alamitos, California

What is the difference between an extroverted and introverted Lutheran? Answer: An introverted Lutheran looks at HIS shoes when he talks to you. An extroverted one looks at YOUR shoes.
Appleton, Wisconsin

A man asked God if he answered all prayers. God said, "Yes". The man asked God, "Is it true that one second in heaven is equal to a million years on earth?" God said, "Yes". then the man asked God for $1 million dollars. God said, "Ok, just give me a minute"!
Springfield, Virginia


You Know You're Lutheran When...

You know you're Lutheran when...
10. The only meal time prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus".
9. All of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom.
8. They have to rope off the last few pews in church so the front isn't empty.
7. A midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
6. You can't imagine a celebration without food.
5. While wathing Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you reply "And also with you".
4. At potlucks all the men have tableware and napkins in their shirt pockets so their full plates are easier to carry.
3. You are at a funeral of a family member who is Catholic, and you are the only one who says "for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen." after everyone else is done.
2. You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
1. You arrive in church and start having a panic attack because someone else is sitting in your pew.

Complete List of Jokes (Excel, 90K)



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