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| Email me at dizzylizzy21@sbcglobal.net with jokes, riddles, games, or other things for my website. |
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| WE ARE MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| J'PUSA- junior high missions trip. email me for more info. |
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| Quiz!!!!!!!!!!! Just click (or copy and paste) this link and you'll be taken to my quiz. |
| http://connect.tickle.com/test.html?id=ro6._Xbxw5JS_kSY& |
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| A man was mowing his front yard when |
| his attractive, blonde, female neighbor |
| came out of the house and went straight |
| to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, |
| looked inside, slammed it shut, |
| and stormed back into her house. |
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| A little later, she came out of her |
| house again, went to the mailbox, |
| again opened it, and again slammed it shut. |
| Angrily back into the house she went. |
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| As the man was getting ready to edge |
| the lawn, the blonde came out again. |
| She marched to the mailbox, opened it |
| and then slammed it closed harder than ever. |
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| Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, |
| "Is something wrong?" |
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| She replied, "There certainly is! |
| My stupid computer keeps |
| telling me I have mail |
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| There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. |
| Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? |
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| Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... |
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| He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide. |
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| A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it over to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000. What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey, it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All that really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in it's own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied," Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer." |
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| Clyde decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?" Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." |
| The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. "Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'" |
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| THE TABLECLOTH |
| The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn, arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church,it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve. They worked hard, repairing pews,plastering walls, painting, etc. And on Dec 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On Dec 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm - hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high. The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored,crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder,hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area. Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?" The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before,in Austria. The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. She was captured, sent to prison and never saw her husband or her home again. The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the Pastor keep it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home, that was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job. What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return. One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood, continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving. The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike? He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety, and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years in between. The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine. |
| True Story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid |
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| Who says God does work in mysterious ways? I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today. To guide you and protect you as you go along your way....His love is always with you, His promises are true, and when we give Him all our cares you know He will see us through. So when the road you're traveling on seems difficult at best, just remember I'm here praying,and God will do the rest. |
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| Telephone Solicitation Gone Bad |
| I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang. |
| ME: Hello. |
| AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T . |
| ME: Is this AT&T? |
| AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T . |
| ME: This is AT&T? |
| AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T . |
| ME: Is this AT&T? |
| AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Byron, please? |
| ME: May I ask who is calling? |
| AT&T: This is AT&T. |
| ME: OK, hold on. |
| At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. |
| ME: Hello? |
| AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? |
| ME: May I ask who is calling, please? |
| AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... |
| ME: This is AT&T? |
| AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... |
| ME: The phone company? |
| AT&T: Yes, sir. |
| ME: I thought you said this was AT&T. |
| AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. |
| ME: I already have a phone. |
| AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. |
| ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day? |
| AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! |
| ME: 7 days a week? |
| AT&T: That's right. |
| ME: 365 days a year? |
| AT&T: Yes, sir. |
| ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! ! That's amazing! |
| AT&T: We think so! |
| ME: That's quite a sum of money! |
| AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up. |
| ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? |
| AT&T: Excuse me? |
| ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute. |
| AT&T: What are you talking about? |
| ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. |
| AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents minute. |
| ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. |
| AT&T: No, sir, we are offering you 10 cents a minute for ... |
| ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please? |
| AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary. |
| ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! |
| AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. |
| At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner. |
| SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron? |
| ME: Yeth? |
| SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. |
| ME: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? |
| SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is. |
| ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could |
| sign up for the plan. |
| SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. |
| ME: Thank you. |
| I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the |
| other end of the phone. |
| AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? |
| ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... |
| AT&T: click........ |
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