Why, when we claim one of the benefits of homeschooling to be the “gift of time,” do we suddenly lose sight of that gift when our children reach their late teens? It feels as though time has run out and our children should be getting a job, deciding on college, and getting on with their lives without us. If they are showing no interest in these things, we begin to wonder if we, in our choice to homeschool, have somehow failed them.

Recently on an e-mail list I frequent, a mom wrote about her nearly eighteen-year-old son, who, with only a few remaining tasks to complete his diploma, was suddenly “doing nothing,” academically as well as around the house. “What is going on?” she wanted to know. “Are we the only ones experiencing this sudden stagnation?” I hastened to assure her that she was not alone. I have spoken with other parents of older homeschoolers and have found this to be a common occurrence. It comes, perhaps, as an indirect way of asking the world to slow down. Our teens may be looking toward that fateful eighteenth birthday, realizing that the laws of our land say that then they become adults, and find they do not feel quite prepared to assume all these adult roles.

What is so magical about eighteen anyway? Who decided this was supposed to be a pivotal time? This certainly was not true even thirty years ago. Children graduated from high school and still had a few years before they were twenty-one and considered adults. Have teenagers changed so much in those thirty years? I think not. Nothing magical happened when my daughter turned eighteen. Within a week she registered to vote, but that was the nearest thing to a right of passage that she had or wanted. It was a few months later that she “finished” high school and entered the job market. She says she never really felt like a grownup until nearly twenty, when she had to sign for herself to authorize some needed surgery. I will admit that after she turned eighteen I worked a lot harder at waiting to be asked before giving advice and keeping my mouth shut more of the time, but I had been working up to that anyway. Her being eighteen did not really make a difference. I am sure she would have been fine if she had chosen to leave home around then, but I think she, and we, knew she was not really ready yet and we are all more comfortable with the idea now, two years later. Yes, there have been times when her dad has grumbled about whether she will ever leave home; he left home at eighteen to attend college across the country and secretly expected her to do the same. I, on the other hand, have enjoyed these extra years with her at home and been grateful for the further glimpses it has allowed into the adult she is growing into being.

What are your expectations for your child at eighteen? Are you looking at your teen through your eyes, her eyes or the world's eyes? What are the things that you can do to make that time of transition easier for both you and your child? Even if that time is some years away, it can be helpful to think about some of these issues now, both by yourself and with your adult-to-be. Find out what her notion of that time is. You may be surprised by her perception of your expectations and also by her fears and apprehensions. These things are generally unspoken and all too often way off the mark. Share some of your stories about those years, the less successful events as well as those of which you are proud. Let your child know you were uncertain, too, and that it is okay and part of the process. Explore together the media's messages about this time and discuss how that fits or does not fit with your own views. Prepare both you and your teen for this time just as you prepared for pregnancy and birth and all the other developmental stages that have followed.

Some families choose some kind of right of passage to celebrate the newly emerging adult. Graduation ceremonies are one possibility or travel alone or whatever activity is meaningful. Find one that suits your family or choose not to have one at all if that is a better fit. Make it a conscious choice.

Many teens may benefit from a few extra years to settle into adulthood before being expected to be on their own. Yet for other teens an earlier launching into adulthood is appropriate. Once again we are faced with the reminder that our children are on their own timetable and not ours. As long as we respond to their timing, who they are, and avoid being caught up in other's expectations, I am confident that both our teens and we, their parents, will survive this time of transition.