A reader asks, "How do you deal with teens and hormones? I never know from
one minute to the next what kind of mood my teen will be in. It keeps me
so off balance that some days I'm a wreck by night time."

Often hormones are blamed for the ups and downs of the teenage years.
Certainly hormones change, but there are a number of other causes that are
also important here. Maybe if we look at some of these possible causes we
can find a road map through these years.

One possible cause we need to explore is the role of expectation.
Regardless of how we personally feel about the teen years, our children
have been bombarded for years with society's expectations. How many of
these expectations are positive? Even public service announcements
targeted at teens seem to focus on those behaviors we would prefer they not
engage in - drinking, smoking, drugs, sex. There is the expectation that
we will not like their music and that they will be disrespectful,
distrustful, and perhaps even untrustworthy. We "know" that the teen years
will be difficult; how many parents do you know who openly talk about
looking forward to the day their teens leave home?

Teens are segregated in schools for most of the day, shut away from the
world. The rest of the time most people do their best to avoid contact with
them. You can be sure that our teens are well aware of these attitudes. No
one else seems to quite know what to do with teenagers, so how in the world
are they to know where and how they fit in?

Roller Coaster Ride

On the positive side of expectations is the work of developmental
psychologists such as Piaget, Erickson, and the Luvmores. These theorists
tell us of the real work of the teen years and can help us have a more
realistic set of expectations. These are the years where children complete
their definition of self, which they began at two. It is a time to try on
differing roles and personalities, to come to understand who the real "me"
is inside. What we may view as the roller coaster ride, not knowing from
one day - or hour - to the next who our child may be, is actually healthy
from their perspective. Remember it also feels like a roller coaster ride
to them. If trying on different roles is a necessity for development of
self, then it would be best for teens to do this within the safety net of
their own home and family. This is a preferable alternative than doing so
while they are on their own and may suffer more serious consequences to
some of their less desirable choices.

Obviously hormones also change during these years, as does body size and
shape, maturity, and life experience. Thinking patterns become less ego-
and family-centric and teens are ready to take on the world at large.
Often they delve into one or more areas of interest and rapidly surpass our
knowledge in those areas. No wonder parents seem so dumb; in those areas
we really do not make the grade.

Coping Strategies

So, how can we cope with these years and what can we do to help our teens
through them? The primary thing, I think, is true throughout our parenting
years and the one thing many of us probably do most poorly - taking care of
the caregiver. In the same way that breaks were important when our
children were toddlers, they are just as important now. Spend time doing
things that feed your soul so you can find an objectivity for those
challenging times.

Trust your intuition. If it feels right, it probably is. If it feels
uncomfortable, that probably is true, too.

Remind yourself that all of life is ebb and flow, even life with teenagers.
Make a point to celebrate the good times. Include them in your journal or
log as a reminder.

Treat teens' passions, passing though they may be, with dignity and
respect. While you may see a hundred reasons why this project may not
work, refrain from listing them. The world will deal with a teen's
idealism soon enough; why make it come from those who love him?

Let teens take control of as many decisions as you comfortably can, from
what they wish to eat and when to which activities in which to spend their
time. They need the practice for adulthood anyway!

Our teens can, and do, push our envelopes. We can expect this and see it
as a necessary and positive stage of growth - both for them and for us. Or
we can dread it and make it more difficult for us all. I choose the
challenge of mutual growth. After all, is not that normal life for a
homeschooler?

Resources:
Erikson, Erik H., Childhood and Society, WW Norton & Co., New York, 1964
Luvmore, Josette and Sambhava, Natural Learning Rhythms, Celestial Arts, Berkeley, 1993
Piaget, Jean and Inhelder, Barbel, The Psychology of the Child, Basic Books, New York, 1969